Butternut Squash Soup

  • 1 big-ass butternut squash
  • 4 cloves of garlic
  • 4 sage leaves
  • 1 large onion
  • 2 medium carrots
  • 1 large stalk of celery
  • 4 stalks of kale
  • 4 - 6 cups of water
  • 1 tuft of chives, diced finely
  • 3 stalks green onions, chopped coarsely
  • fresh rosemary (1 decent-sized sprig, or 2 tsp), diced finely
  • 2 tsp ground cumin
  • 1/2 - 1 tsp ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 - 1/2 tsp cinnamon
  • 3 - 4 tbsp maple syrup (to your preferred sweetness)
  • salt
  • pepper

Preheat oven to 375. Chop squash in half lengthwise and remove guts. Douse lightly with oil and place a sage leaf in each pocket and on each thinner part. Place each half in a bread pan (ideally) or on a baking sheet (you want to keep that oil in with the squash, if possible). Tuck garlic cloves under pockets. If a wild hare gets up your ass and starts thrashing about like Night of the Lepis: Anal Revenge, you can actually carve out little garlic cavities to put the garlic in. Either way, it's gonna get roasted and mixed in, so it just depends on whether you're a fancy-pants. Bake for 1 hour.

Meanwhile...back at the lab...(you can go do something else for like 45 - 50 minutes...read a book, watch an episode of a network tv show)

Dice onion and sautee in large pot on medium heat. Dice carrots and celery and add those inta tha mix. Hopefully the squash is done by now. If not, quit. This soup is about timing, and yours sucks. Crap out the hare and go the fuck home.

Otherwise: remove squash from the oven and once it's cool enough for you to work with it, spoon the squash and garlic inta tha mix and stir occasionally. Add in the water (start with 2 cups--you can add more later to achieve your desired consistency; this may affect the amount of salt and syzzirup you need). Add in all of the spices and stuffz. Add the kale in in last, turn to low and let simmer for at least 15 minutes.