Zucchini Soup

  • 1 large motherfucking onion. I mean fucking big. or 2 small guys.
  • 4 - 8 cloves of garlic (do I need to always type this? it should be understood at this point)
  • 2 porn-sized zucchinis--John Holmes+, minimum, maybe even a nice Lex Steele
  • 2 leeks
  • 4 cups veggie stock
  • 2 cups water
  • 1 tsp cumin
  • 1 - 2 dashes nutmeg
  • 3 sprigs lemon thyme (or regular thyme and a squirt of lemon) / 2 tsp?
  • 4 sprigs oregano / 2tsp?
  • 3 - 4 sprigs sage / 1 tbsp?
  • chives (optional)
  • salt/pepper to taste
  • 2/3 cup soy/almond/rice/hemp creamer/milk

Chop up the veggies into cubes or wedges. No need to get all top chef (tm) on this shit. You're gonna blend this later with your yuppie immersion blender, because you're middle class and that's how you roll. Or you'll blend it like it's 1983. When you were poor and the blender was something your mom used to make daiquiris. Sautee the onion, leeks, and garlic in a saucepan over medium heat in a high heat oil, or low heat oil if you're into cancer. Optionally add melted plastic.

Once onion is soft, add in the zucchini and spices  (except cumin and nutmeg). Once the zucchini is soft add the veggie stock and water. Blend in your own special way, leaving a few chunks just as a surprise for the laconic eater, to catch your enemies unawares. Add faux milk-like beverage. Add cumin and nutmeg. Add more salt and pepper, as you've almost certainly misunderestimated your need for salt and pepper. Stir. Serve. Poop.